Monday, May. 22, 2006

A Car By Any Other Name


Yesterday, I went car shopping, a task I rank right up there with wisdom tooth extraction, job hunting, and scrubbing out the toilet with a three-bristled toothbrush. To wit: not a good way to spend an afternoon, even a rainy, pissy one.

I am the ultimate "leave me alone to shop, you circling barracudas" customer, so car salesmen generally get on my first, last, and only nerve. Yes, I know that it's their job to be knowledgeable and interested and solicitous and all that junk. I'm not interested. All I know is that Marvin over there, in his snappy wingtips and his company-emblazoned windbreaker, is following me around the car-lot like a drooling stalker, and that if he doesn't want me to turn crisply on my heel and march back off the lot to whence I came, he will, in a colorful phrase, give me some fucking room before I beat him upside the head with my 20-lb. handbag. I carry a brick in there exactly for occasions such as this, so don't make me mad.

Fortunately, Dad was with me, and though he's the guy I learned to hate salesmen from, he's seemed to have mellowed a bit in recent years. My recent years have encouraged no such mellowing. In fact, while Dad is more like fine wine, in his mellowing, I'm kind of like lunch meat. The older I get, the uglier and more dangerous I get. So, Dad served as a much-needed buffer so that I wouldn't be tempted to force-feed the nearest salesman his never-ending stack of business cards.

And, I did end up with a cute little Toyota Corolla. Used, but not too old, and in great shape. It took a little time for a name to come to me. Oh, hush up -- yes, I name my cars. And my plants, and my computers, and sometimes other inanimate household objects. Things with names just seem more... real to me. It's hard to explain unless you, too, belong to the Naming Things tribe.

Anyhow, I usually name my cars by their paint color, and it's almost always a gemstone. My red Ford Escort was Ruby. My blue Corolla was Sapphire. My black Saturn was Onyx. But New Car's paint color is a tough nut to crack. It's called "Sand" on the paperwork, though I've seen it referred to as "Champagne" on similarly colored vehicles. It's tannish, but it's not quite brown, not quite beige, and in certain lights, there seems to be some pink (??!) highlights.

But after mulling it over a bit, I decided to go with Pearl. It seems to fit, and I've seen pearls that are a golden color, that kind of match New Car. So, Pearl it is. Pearl is shiny. Pearl is glossy. Pearl has an engine that purrs like a kitten.

And she also has attitude. She's currently wearing a Happy Bunny air freshener that says, "It's cute that you think I'm listening." Ol' Pearl's got moxie, so I think we'll get along just fine.


saturncat at 10:09 p.m.

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