Wednesday, May. 31, 2006

AI end. Thank the Gods.


Now, as I recall, last week we had us an "American Idol" finale extravaganza. Or, as I started calling it, "The Circus of Fools, Mostly In Red and Black and White, Featuring Seacrest the Tool".

Because, damn.

TWO hours, to reveal 30 seconds' worth of viable information. What fresh sort of madness is this? Some of the performances by this year's AI kids were... if not "good", then "pleasant", I suppose. I could have done without ever hearing Kevin the 9-year-old again, at least until he hits puberty and his voice changes. I REALLY could have done without him singing, "What's New, Pussycat?", because holy crap, the image overlap of Covais and Tom Jones is like electrons and positrons over here. But it was nice to hear Chris, nice to see a couple of the others.

But Puck and Pickler, or whatever the Hell they called it? I could FEEL braincells choking in my skull. And the Golden Idols? Those are precious minutes I begged to have returned to me, but the gods were all, "You *chose* to watch this nonsense, so don't be ridiculous." So, I just had to sigh and return to banging my head against the coffee table to dull the pain.

Two. Hours.

Not like the Big Revealing Moment offered up anything unexpected, though it didn't seem to dispell my disappointment when I actually heard the words. And it wasn't like I thought Katharine was The Best EVER. I wasn't disappointed because she lost, but because Taylor won, and that's a very specific distinction.

Why was I so disappointed? Well, let me tell you. And, granted, this is the theory I operated under at the *beginning* of the season, when I was coming to the show all fresh and full of(what turned out to be overly generous and idealistic) hope. But, I had imagined that, if the producers and other assorted folk involved in this musical clusterfuffer, ahem, made the effort to travel to several cities across the country, sift through hundreds of thousands of people, engaged in the rigorous and time-consuming song and dance that was the pre-24 Hollywood days, that they would be most interested in encouraging the public to pick, if not the best in the country, then at least the best of what we had to choose from. Boy, what a silly fool I was, hm?

Instead, we get... the King of Mediocrity. Singing, bland. Appearance, bland. Spoken words, shades of Bill Clinton, yet also bland. The dude could be an assassin, he blends so well into the background. Hell, he could actually BE an assassin for all I know, and in that case, I'd better kiss my ass goodbye, because after reading this, I figure he won't like me much.

And it's not that I wish him ill for winning, or that I think his feet stink. He could be a very nice person. But *my* American Idol? Not on your life, buddy. I mean, come on. In an interview I saw on cable while flipping channels, I heard him say that he was going to, "... Taylorize my new album...". Dude turned his own name into a VERB, and therefore is an insufferable twerp. I swear, if he releases his album and it has some damn punny title, like "Taylor-Made", I will get in ol' Pearl, drive down to Alabama, and slap him myself. God.

Why, yes, I AM drinking wine. Why do you ask?

Now, if I were manipulating things to my whim, the final AI battle for this season's title would have been between Chris and Mandisa, with Chris winning. Why those two? Because, of the lot of them, Chris and Mandisa had, bar none, the best voices.

It's still kind of strange, Mandisa going from ultimate favorite to being booted off the AI swingset, so to speak, in, like, 2 weeks' time. From what I've read, some folks didn't like her religious leanings, which, whatever. She can believe in whatever god she likes, she still has a powerful voice.

The other issue was, of course, her weight. Heaven forbid anyone over a size 6 have any sort of popularity. Some of the articles I've read that discuss how her body size got her ejected from the show remind me of the uproar created by Dove's "Real Beauty" ad. campaigns. I remember reading about reactions to the average-sized women being featured in the ads and getting so irritated because, at least with the people they interviewed, there was so much negativity. "I shouldn't have to see that," some 21 year old guy was quoted as saying.

Well, you know what, Mr. 21 year old dude? Those are what a lot of women look like. In fact, more women in this country look like them than look like the stick-thin models featured in most ads. Not that they're anything wrong with being thin, either. I'm just saying, that people come in all shapes and sizes, and saying, "I shouldn't have to see that," not only marks you as a thoughtless jerk, but indicates a shallowness in your thinking that is off-putting. So, stick to staring at the lingerie catalogs that you pinch from your mom's bathroom, okay? Grab your bottle of lotion and stick the pages together to your heart's content. But, realize, that there are more people out there than just you, and that those of us with a little maturity know that a body can be beautiful even if you can't count all the ribs through the skin. Okay? Okay.

Anyhow. Dang, where'd that rant come from? That must have been buried deep.

Back to AI.

Or, not, as I've said pretty much everything I needed to say. No, I will *not* be buying Taylor Hicks's CD. Unless... there's a $20 bill inside. If so, then I will. To get the $20, anyway, and then I'd sell the CD on Ebay. Or give it to Goodwill, or something.

Alrighty, stay tuned for movie reviews and other craziness...

saturncat at 9:43 p.m.

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