Thursday, Dec. 07, 2006

Three Unsent Letters


Dear Starbucks,

Hey! How are you? Well, you is one of those "you all" grammar functions, since I know that "you" isn't just one person, right? I mean, there's probably, what? About 45 quintillion people who are employed by the entity known as Starbucks? And, when I just typed '"you" isn't' above, I know that kind of sounded a little redneck, like "you isn't from around here, is ya?", but I didn't mean it that way.

Hi. I may have had just a little too much caffeine.

Anyhow, could you please stop making and selling such tasty pastries? They're Hell on my petite, flower-like figure, you know? Of course you do.

Much, much love,

Saturn

***

Dear Pittsburgh Steelers,

Firstly, congratulations on this evening's fabulous win. Yes, I know it was the Browns and, yes, a winning game against them should fall into the "well, duh" category, but, have you seen the first two-thirds of this season? Particularly the first third?

Well, of course you have. You were there. And, while I'm up -- the next time your fantastic quarterback has a nearly life-ending motorcycle crash the summer before the season starts that causes him to miss a giant helping of practices, and then has abdominal surgery, and then he tells you he wants to start in Sunday's game? Tell him to sit his talented and expensive butt back down on the damn bench, would you? Yes, I respect the guy's desire to play, and that shows his dedication. That's awesome. But, you know what's not so awesome? Watching a 24 year old man struggle to do a job that, just a few short months before, he excelled at. Watching him flounder because it's obvious, just from looking in his eyes at the postgame press conferences, that what the poor guy really needs is a mug of hot tea and a nap. So much would have been different, I believe, if you'd just let Ben sit out a couple. Let the boy heal, for crimony's sake. I enjoyed the highlights of the game tonight, because it looks like Ben (and others, too) finally had their respective grooves back. But this shouldn't be happening at week 14, yo.

Parker, my hat's off to you. You burn up yards like a barn afire. And Troy, I'm still looking into that whole bionic leg deal for you. We'll get you fixed up in no time.

Love and cuddles,

Saturn

***

Dear Various Health-Related Magazine Articles,

Fiber? Is not a "superfood". It's fiber. And while it's cool stuff, and it helps fill us up by being bulky, and it moderates blood sugar, and it helps scrape out some of the yucky stuff from our blood... not a superfood. Stop marketing food as having magical powers, either for good or for evil, because... again, it's food. It is intent-neutral, and trying to personify various foods as good or bad does no one any good.

Balance. Why don't you write more articles that promote *this* concept? Why don't more diets work with this? That we need a little of everything to help our bodies and our souls feel fulfilled and satiated? Hello? Is this thing on?

Well, I know why. Because if people started subscribing to the balance plan, eating what they needed, in the appropriate quantities, they'd be healthy and wouldn't read your stupid magazine articles any more. So, now that I've called your damn bluff, stop treating us like we're stupid and stop publishing crap about "superfoods". I'm so over this, I'm under it, okay?

Pfah,

Saturn

saturncat at 10:39 p.m.

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