Saturday, Dec. 16, 2006

Rant #2767483 --TV Ain't Evil


When people ask me what sorts of things my daughter likes, what she's "in to", first I answer with the basic stuff -- books, music, letters, numbers, animals, dolls, balls. Reading War and Peace in Latin while listening to Wagner and sipping 52-year-old cognac. You know, two-year-old stuff.

Inevitably, this leads to asking for specifics. What sorts of animals? What sorts of dolls? And, many times, the topic turns to TV shows, and does Kidlet have a favorite? Here, I've started to brace myself, because if I tell the truth and I say, "She loves Spongebob Squarepants", I get a wide variety of reactions.

Most people smile and chuckle and say, "Oh, cute." But more and more, I'm getting weird reactions. Here's a few of my favorites --

"I refuse to watch that show, on general principles. Sea sponges are NOT rectangular."

No shit, I had someone say this to me. And typing it out and reading it over? It seems even more absurd. Granted, the person uttering this little gem has a background in marine biology, and yes, she's right. Sea sponges generally aren't rectangular. But let's look at a brief premise description of some of the other popular children's shows out there, shall we?

*Blue's Clues -- A grown man lives in a house with talking animals and talking furniture, and plays a game with his dog where she makes him guess the answers to riddles.

*Dora the Explorer -- A loud little girl and her pet boots-wearing talking monkey hike all over creation and back, including to places like Coney Island where there are giant ice cream cones all over the place. Nearly everyone speaks two languages, including trees and rocks, and a tiny critter mariachi band just shows up for random victory serenades.

*Sesame Street -- An urban neighborhood that includes a trashcan-dwelling monster, a giant yellow bird, a shaggy brown mastadon, as well as several other monsters and creatures whom the humans accept as "normal".

*Teletubbies -- Four creatures of unidentifiable origin live in a big grass-covered earth dome. The speak a language known only to themselves. They have a vacuum cleaner that ambles around on its own and sucks up random stuff, and the sun has the face of a baby.


I could go on, but I think you can see that all these other children's shows are COMPLETELY BASED IN REALITY, thereby making Spongebob, in all of his rectangular glory, just silly.

Right.

"My 2-year-old grandson only watches *educational* television."

My problem with this is many-fold. First of all, the tone with which the statement was delivered indicated that Kidlet was definitely inferior because Spongebob is clearly not educational, and therefore she will grow up to be a slack-jawed yokel whose greatest ambition in life is to see how many burps are in a bottle of beer. There is nothing wrong with my daughter's intelligence. I don't want to be the mom who insists that her pwecious baby is the smartest thing evereverever, but nor will I be that mom who downplays her child's strengths in some bid to be humble. Kidlet is smart. She's ahead of the game in all of the standard milestones. She's quick, she learns things easily, she remembers well. Watching Spongebob, with its lack of visibly present letters and numbers, has not damaged her.

And, actually, there *are* little messages in most of the episodes -- listen to your elders, reach for your dreams, you're as good as you think you are, friends are valuable and come in all shapes and sizes. These are all messages I've seen in Spongebob. And believe you me, I've seen just about all of the episodes.

I think the greater problem is one that has been around a lot longer than Spongebob has -- the whole 'television will suck out your brain' idea. Which, in my opinion, is a crock of horse shit. I know that doctors tell you that tv viewing for children younger than 2 can be detrimental. I've read some of those research papers, and they're not really conclusive. I understand wanting to set down guidelines, and really, I can't imagine propping my 6-month-old up in front of an episode of "Cops". But I also know that there are people who do this, and there should be a giant stick that comes down out of the sky and beats the crap out of these people. But there isn't, hence the guidelines.

And I know this makes me sound like I'm some kind of tv addict who is looking for a reason to plunk my kid down in front of the tube so I can go about my business and ignore my child, but anyone who knows me at all can tell you that this is the exact opposite of the truth. Other than NFL games, children's shows, and the occasional movie, I don't watch television. Not because I think it's the devil, but simply because I don't enjoy what's on it. Seriously, there hasn't been a show on in three years that I've watched regularly, and even when I find a show I like, it's just the one. I know some people who have a show that they absolutely must watch nearly every night of the week. That, to me, sounds exhausting. Not to mention, I can't find anything that interests me anyway.

I discovered that Kidlet liked Spongebob by accident -- I was channel surfing one day, looking for something, ANYthing decent to watch. As usual, there was nothing but the same old crap. I paused on SB because it was animated and colorful. Kidlet looked up from where she was playing with her blocks, and watched. She pointed at the screen, and smiled, and babbled at the tv. Then, she sat down on her little couch, and proceeded to watch the entire episode, which had never happened for any other tv show she'd ever seen. Nothing caught her attention for more than a few minutes, until Spongebob.

After a few episodes, she started humming the theme music. Now she can sing the whole song, with sound effects. She bobs to the intro music for each little episode, can name all the characters, and laughs at the funny parts. The show makes her *happy* like no other show does.

"Spongebob is INAPPROPRIATE for toddlers!"

Uh, why? Someone told my mother this when she mentioned that Kidlet liked SB. That's just silly to me. Sure, there are parts of some episodes that I don't like. I can change the channel, because I am the parent, after all. Maybe if I were tuning my kid into SB instead of reading to her or spending time with her, there might be a cause for concern. But we read all the time. And we do lots together, including watching Spongebob. We sing the theme song together even:

"Whoooooo, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Spongebob Squarepants!

Absorbant and yellow and porous is he...

Spongebob Squarepants!

If nautical nonsense be something you wish...

Spongebob Squarepants!

Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish! Ready?

Spongebob Squarepants!
Spongebob Squarepants!
Spongebob Squarepants!
Sponge BOB Square Pants!"

From memory, folks. I don't know what lived in that brain cell before, but it's gone now.

Anyhow, my point is that you can't spread a blanket over every kid that exists, and you can't blame an inanimate object like the television for the evils and shortcomings of parents who try and use it like a nanny. Spongebob might not be educational with a capital E, but it's good clean fun, and if Kidlet wants to practice her diction and her memory skills by reciting character names while dancing around happily to hornpipe music, I don't have a problem with this. Just as long as she doesn't ask to live in a pineapple. That'd be pretty sticky.

saturncat at 10:40 p.m.

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